The Great Perhaps

I have gone to enough concerts in my lifetime to know that I don't really care to go to them.* Too loud. Too many people. Just not my thing. But my husband is really into live music, so I have gone with him.

And I'll go to these concerts and I'll observe people, and I'll wonder how they can be so uninhibited, so free, so full of life and love for the music. And even though my husband and I have similar temperaments (we're both quiet, introverted, and like to observe), even he would get into the music and the crowd and the movement behind the whole thing and start nodding his head, singing along, or whatever.

I admire those people at concerts. Doing what they do. Living life and not observing it.

I had a psychic tell me once that I am a supporting actor in the story of my life. That I am not the star.

So, I was thinking about this and thinking about this, and I suppose it might be true. Me... always observing my life and never really starring in it. I observe people as a photographer. I observe my kids growing up. And now, for this documentary I'm making, I'm going around filming this other person living her life and observing her.

Always observing life and examining it to the nth degree.

In this book I was reading (Looking for Alaska), the main character had been living an uneventful life and is trying to explain to his parents why he wants to go away to boarding school. He really likes reading about people's last words before they die. So he says to his parents, "This guy, Francois Rabelais. He was a poet. And his last words were 'I go to seek a Great Perhaps.' That's why I'm going. So I don't have to wait until I die to start seeking a Great Perhaps."

So, that got me to thinking about the Great Perhaps-es that I've missed out on in my life.

I remember going off to college and having a roommate that I was assigned to living with me in our dorm. She was very social, and requested another More-Social Roommate than myself. So I moved in with the More-Social Roommate's less-social roommate. My new roommate wrote letters to her boyfriend in California (they had some sort of inside joke about burritos), and she got mad at me for killing a bug once. We were unsocial and awkward together, ate with each other a couple of times in the cafeteria, went to see Spike Lee's movie "Clockers", and that was about it. Then, after that semester, I dropped out of college, moved back in with my parents, hung out with my grandma a lot, and went to a Technical College because I didn't want to spend all that money on school when "I didn't really know what I wanted to do with my life."

So, that was a Great Perhaps that was missed out on in favor of a more safe, less frightening perhaps.

I think that my not wanting to spend money has been a running theme in my life and maybe keeps me away from a lot of wonderful experiences and Great Perhaps-es.

Granted, right now we probably shouldn't be spending money anyway, considering we're crawling our way back up to where the poverty line separates... but even before, I didn't spend money like a normal person, and I missed out on a lot of wonderful experiences because of it. We didn't go ice skating at Rockefeller Center when we were in New York City because it was "too expensive" (even though it was something I had always really wanted to do). We could have stayed at a hotel that was nicer than the one that "is usually just used when people bring hookers here" - according to the hotel clerk - when we were in Dublin. And I've never played paintball or seen a Broadway play or ridden in a hot air balloon, even though I've been in situations to partake in them had I only spent the money.

I would like to experience life more. Live in the world. Connect with people. Engage in human consciousness instead of just observing it, you know?

I don't want to miss out on any Great Perhaps-es anymore because I'm afraid of that.



*Here is a list of the concerts that I have been to, because I know you are wondering and are secretly looking to judge me by my (or my husband's) musical taste, which I openly welcome you to do, and I will stand by any judgments you might make:

Firehouse - Minot, ND
Hootie and the Blowfish - Fargo, ND
Bush / Goo Goo Dolls / No Doubt - Fargo, ND
Shaded Red / Petra - Grand Forks, ND
Pearl Jam - Cardiff, Wales
Weezer - Chicago, IL
Rufus Wainwright - Chicago, IL
Rockford Mules - St Paul, MN
Jenny and Tyler - St Paul, MN