Parenting Safe

I have gotten a couple of comments about safety for children after my Parenting Paradox post. Yes, of course, safety is important. I don't know if there was an implied impression that I let my children go around making their own shivs and bludgeoning each other with war hammers all the time (that kind of behavior is reserved for Grandma's house). I don't think my conscientious parenting should be confused with carelessness.

But, to me, there is as much importance attached to a child's psychological development as to their physical safety. I think it is easier to heal from a cut or a scrape than from a belief that can stick with you for a lifetime.

That being said, there are ways to keep your child psychologically happy and safe at the same. (Because, believe it or not, I do happen to have things that make me stop my children from what they are doing, which I'll get to later. I just happen to have a different threshold than most parents where I happen to be okay with, say, letting my daughter climb a tree that is higher than a house.)

So, let's take the example of a kid climbing up a tree that is really high and you're uncomfortable with it. There's nothing wrong with that. But instead of saying, "No, don't climb that tree. It's too high. You'll get hurt." You could say, "I'm not comfortable with you climbing that tree right now. Please stay on the ground." That way, you are not pressing your belief on the child that they CAN'T do it (because they very well could if you let them). You're just telling the truth about how YOU'RE feeling.

Example: Sometimes my six-year-old daughter, Ocean, will hold baby Peace up above her head. I don't like her to do that. But, instead of saying, "You shouldn't hold her like that. She might fall." I will say, "I'm uncomfortable with you holding Peace so high. Could you hold her down lower please?" This way, Ocean won't feel that she is incapable of doing something. After all, she feels like she can hold her like that (which she can... she hasn't dropped her once yet), and I don't want to take that feeling away from her. But I do want her to understand that I don't feel comfortable with her doing it, and, therefore, she should not do it.

(The books How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk as well as Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves talk a lot about this sort of thing.)

I had one friend who used to work at a daycare center, and they were not allowed to use the word NO with the children there. The daycare workers were encouraged to use positive statements or redirection instead. For example, instead of saying, "Don't hit," they would say, "Touch gently."

And another idea, especially with the younger ones, would be to not make whatever you're worried about available to them. If you're worried about them sticking things into electrical outlets, get those outlet cover thingies. If you're worried about them having knives, keep the knives out of reach.

Most of our beliefs are formed in childhood. Most imprinting is done within the first three years of life. So, there is a lot of power in the words that we use with our kids. My mom has a habit of calling my son "stubborn" or "a handful". I always tell her not to label him, because I don't want to view him as that, and I don't want him to think of himself like that either. In school, kids are often divided into different reading groups based on their ability. I can still remember the kids who were in the dumb group from my days in elementary school... and if I'm remembering that, chances are that they remember themselves as that as well.

Alright. Enough with all this parenting crap. Tomorrow: Sour Cream Lasagna!

The Parenting Paradox

After my playdate from hell, I've been thinking a lot about different parenting styles. It's seems almost a paradox, how people parent. Here's what I've noticed:

Most people in America (I'll just call them the mainstreamers) tend to ignore their children when they are babies and then overparent them when they are children. Mainstreamers tend to give birth medicated, not hold their babies very much, sleep apart from them, put them in strollers, formula feed, carry them in carseats, set them down for naps, and maybe even let them cry it out. They're ignoring their little baby's needs when they need it most. But then, when baby grows up a little, this is when the mainstreamers start to overparent. They start to hover. They turn into helicopter parents (click here for a good article on the growing backlash against helicopter parenting). They start to do everything for their child because they don't trust that their child can do it for themselves.

Now, there is another subset of American parents that does things a little differently. I'll call them instinctual parents. Instinctual parents give birth naturally, breastfeed, co-sleep, wear their babies, and comfort their babies when they cry. Just things that come naturally, you know? Then, when their babies grow a little older, instinctual parents tend to back off a bit. They let their children explore the world. They let their children work out their differences on their own. They let their children play and figure out things on their own.

Both of these parenting styles are paradoxical, the latter just feels a more comfortable for me and not at all ironic in its paradox.

I don't ever want to tell my children that they can't do something. I don't want other people to tell them that they can't do something. You can't use a knife. You're too little. You shouldn't climb up that. It's too high. You shouldn't run with scissors. You might hurt yourself. I want them to believe in themselves and in their abilities. They know what they can and cannot do better than I ever will. They know their abilities. They know their limits. I don't have to tell them. I don't want to tell them. I don't care if they use knives, run with scissors, or climb things that are too high. (Here is a picture of my daughter climbing a very tall tree when she was four. She knew she could do it because nobody never told her that she couldn't.)

Instinctual parenting is like putting money in the bank. Sure, it might seem like more work in the beginning, but babies who are parented this way become much more independent and secure as children (thus, the natural inclination to let them do things on their own). They know that you WILL be there to meet their needs when and if they need you. They have faith in you. I remember my mother-in-law telling us how her kids' kindergarten teacher would say, "You must have held your children a lot when they were babies because they are less needy than the other kids now." The teacher could tell the difference, apparently.

There is a lot of value to instinctual parenting. Let's listen to those instincts a little bit more instead of just doing what everybody else seems to be doing.

The Playdate from Hell

Occasionally, I will step outside my little bubble of alternative culture and converse with the natives of mainstream America. It doesn't always go well.

The other day, my kids and I went to a one-on-one playdate with a mainstreamer, and it was kind of awkward. I mean, she is nice and everything, but our parenting styles are just so different that it makes everything weird.

She was very high-strung with her child and with mine, constantly telling them what to do and how to do it. Meanwhile, I was laid back and would have appreciated it if she would just let the children be instead of: moving my baby because she's worried that she'll hit a corner, telling my kids to say please before giving them food, and reprimanding Ezra for forgetting to flush the toilet.

I guess she's of the mindset that kids should be told what to do so that they will then know how to do it. Whereas, I'm of the mindset that kids can learn what to do on their own by how we model it for them. For example, kids can learn how to say please on their own. And it's much more rewarding when it comes from them saying it naturally instead of being instructed to do so. Ezra actually said please on his own accord before she said anything to him, but she still told him to say it because she wasn't even listening to him. He's, like, "But I already said it."

And how are children going to learn if they're constantly being told what to do? If she keeps telling her almost 3-year-old son, "You're going to poke yourself with that fork," chances are that he will poke himself with that fork. Whereas, I let my baby play with forks and she has never once poked herself with one... nor does she ram her head into corners when she's crawling around (and if I'm worried about her being in any danger of doing so, I can take care if it BECAUSE I'M SITTING RIGHT THERE!). There is great value in letting kids figure out how to do things by and for themselves. And if she does poke herself with a big fork or rams her head into a corner, big deal. She learned something.

I think that parenting style is one of the things that most easily bonds me to other people. If you co-sleep, breastfeed, use gentle discipline, wear your baby, treat your children with respect, and maybe even unschool, then we're probably kindred spirits. Bonus points if you eat organic, know what kombucha is, watch Big Love, and know the names to all of Wes Anderson movies.

I have the best, most wonderful group of mama friends where I am at right now. I don't know why I even attempted to float around in another realm. It really made me appreciate the friends that I do have sooooo much more. And it made me wonder if I will be able to find a group like this when we move this summer. Because, unfortunately, most parents are probably like Mrs-Shame-a-Child-When-He-Forgets-to-Flush and not like Aileen and Jen and Laura and Jen and Rebecca and Sally and Hayley and Karen and Kelly and Rebecca and Jenni and Sarah and Janine and Amy and Amy and Amy and Annik and Carrie and Chandra and Nic and Dana and Chris and Elizabeth and Gabby and Lisa and Maria and Olga and Terri and Lauren and Mariah and Barbara and Erica and Suzan and Jess and Erin and Maureen and Holly and Alyssa and Ruth and Alison and Kristin and everybody else here who I know and love so dearly.