It's not fair that my kids say, "Mommy, can you get me..." instead of "Daddy..."
It's not fair that when Peace poops and Vernon is holding her, he comes up to me and says, "Peace pooped," and I end up changing the diaper. When I'm holding Peace and she poops, I never go up to Vernon to tell him that she pooped and expect him to change it.
It's not fair that when I'm sick, I still have to spend the day watching kids, whereas, when Vern is sick, he gets to stay home by himself all day sleeping and watching Harry Potter.
It's not fair that every time I sit down somebody wants to suck on my nipples.
It's not fair that the one time I ask Vern to make supper for us, it feels like I'm putting him out, but I make meals for us all the time and nobody cares.
It's not fair that I have to schedule a time to get a shower in, and it is just assumed that Vernon can do it whenever the hell he feels like it.
It's not fair that I have to pick up most of the time because my threshold for clutter is lower than his.
It's not fair that it is assumed that I am the one in charge of planning any and all of our kids' birthday parties.
It's not fair that I am doing 50 million things for the kids already, but I also have to remember and remind Vernon to do simple things because otherwise he forgets.
It's not fair that when Vernon comes home, Peace's smiles and reaches to be held by him, but when I come home, she looks at me and cries because she remembers that she is not with me.
It's not fair that I have to ask Vernon to do things ("Vernon, could you do the dishes?" "Vernon, could you wash the diapers?" "Vernon?" "Vernon?" "Vernon?"), because I need help, but yet all that asking makes me seem like a nagging wife and I don't know WANT to be a nagging wife, but I don't know how else to do it.
The standard. It's doubled. I get that.
And that's not fair either.
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10 comments:
I hear ya....
Allison,
Thank you for this post! I have been reading your blog for just a few months. I am mostly apposed to blogs...yours has changed my mind. Most blogs seem to make the life of the writer look so wonderful and idilic...none of the gritty day to day of life with a husband and 3 kids. My life is pretty simple and boring. Many blogs make me feel like I am not doing something good enough...your is just real
You have a beautiful family and your blogs ring so true to me and my life. I really appreciate reading your thoughts...thanks!
Rebecca
btw...We are an uschooling family living in Boulder, CO...hope you make it to Denver area!
I was just thinking the same thing today! Thank you for letting us know that we're not alone in our mom struggles.
Around here, since I'm working (out of the home) too, DH does take on a greater share of child care. But, that being said, I get it!!! The double standard really is real.
I sometimes feel myself wondering why can't I just check out, and do what I want to when I want to, like DH sometimes does. But then I realize, perhaps, that's my own fault. Meaning, that it doesn't even really occur to me to ask (or not) to have the evening off to do... nothing (or whatever I want), because I just have a routine of household stuff that I just... do - whether its out of a sense of duty or the age-old if you want something done right, do it yourself mentality, I don't know.
But any frustration or resentment or unfairness I might feel often times is resolved when I just stop feeling sorry for myself, think about what I actually wan (not just how I feel, but what do I WANT?? Do I want bathtime off, do I want time on the weekend to blog w/out interruption, do I want not to make dinner, do I want to sleep in) and then just DO it - and if it requires asking for some support in the form of child care or task that my DH needs to take on - just ask for it.
Because, we're worth it, us moms, just like Dads are. And we're not superheros.
And, for me anyway, the times when I do build up the scenario in my mind that I'm nagging or overasking or I shouldn't even HAVE to ask about this, it just makes my current reality worse. When instead I just ask for what I need, its a heck of a lot simpler. I find DH (and maybe all men?) likes when presented with a concrete request. Instead of, "I'm so tired, and evening times seems like I'm having to do all this stuff, and you just get to do whatever you want and the kids only want me, and its not fair....", I say, "I need about an hour of time tonight kid-free because my patience is short. I'll be back on duty for bedtime.", the latter is met with a MUCH more positive response than the former.
But I get it, I do. Because often, the first scenario is how I react. Then I wish I'd chosen the second.
Wow, babbling.
Anyhow, thank you for this post, its very real.
Check out http://www.equallysharedparenting.com/Toolbox.htm
This is from the Equally Shared Parenting website that Maureen has talked about.
I thought of these because it specifically addresses things like who plans the birthday parties and who gets what personal time, etc. Maybe going through these equality scales could be a starting point for discussion.
My life, welcome to it.
I get it. I do. Wish I was born with the manly (dis)ability to ignore everything and assume someone else would take care of it.
We are totally on the same page, living in the same dimension or something. These are my thoughts exactly, especially about the husband stuff. If you find a solution, make sure you let us all know.
its not fair that I am just NOW reading this post along with all the others bc I'm doing the exact same things your posting about wich is not fair as well.
sarah J
Preaching to the choir. And, unfortunately, I do not even have a man I can nag at anymore to help out. I have no choice.Period. Lame. After reading this post it is more than obvious that that is just a trait of all men and that's how it is. I think us women need to let go of that feeling that we are being nags b/c well we are, but we have no choice. Men on the other hand do have a choice, they have a choice not to be lazy, forgetful, and selfish. They have a choice to allow us to not be nags. But do they? no, so should we feel bad for it? no. Because it's not our choice, it is theirs. And it's not fair but life's not fair so Nag Away Sista! you cannot be superwoman all the time
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