I am not doing well.
Vernon and I have been fighting since we moved back.
I think that if he unpacks the knives, that will mean that he loves me. It is an unfair test that I'm putting him through (because I know that he loves me). I have even said to him, "It will show me that you care about me if you unpack the knives," which kind of removes any meaning that I'm trying to get from it in the first place... but still, I hold on to it anyway. (Plus, there is also this passive-aggressive way I've been posting about it on here that isn't doing any good either.)
And Vernon is confused by my emotions. (I'm confused by my emotions.) Vernon hasn't had a hard time with the move. I tell him, "Since you aren't having a hard time with anything, you should be able to tend to my emotional needs."
I am such a freaking girl.
He doesn't understand.
("Why is moving so stressful?" he says. "It's not. And there's no reason that you can't use these knives. Look at me. I'm using the knives.")
Oh, why do I have to be such an impossibly particular person to live with?
I keep trying to go to our room so that I can be alone, but Peace keeps following me. She senses my mood. She knows.
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11 comments:
This i nuts because I am the exact same way. I get very hurt when my hubby won't do the most simple things that I want him to do and then I take it as a sign that he doesn't love me. Then when I feel better I remember that he shows his love in other ways...but STILL. It shouldn't be so hard to find those darn knives.
It seems like you are putting enormous pressure on Vern. He must feel awful (as most men do) not being able to give you and the kids everything you want/need. I think its mean that you are writing about it on your blog instead of working it out with him...and yourself.
I know you are trying to be honest about what concerns you on your blog but why not channel this into something that can create discussion and positive change on a larger scale? I think you are winning a little too much these days.
Anonymous - I KNOW! It's not like I'm denying that. Isn't it obvious that I'm the crazy person here and Vernon is the sane one? I thought that was coming across clear. I AM THE ONE WITH ISSUES! VERNON IS FINE! And, yes, we are working this out (in addition to my writing it on the blog). This is just how things go sometime, and, yes, I am just being honest about it. Please don't drag me under the coals about this. I'm not perfect.
(P.S. Are you Char? Mary? Julianna? What gives, anyway?)
I mean, "winning a little too much"? Nobody is "winning" in this situation.
i think how you are feeling is SO NORMAL for anyone whose life has taken many unexpected twists and turns in such a short time. towards the end of our stay in naples i was a huge grouch and when we got back to MN i thought i'd be happier but in some ways it was harder. i don't believe life ever becomes "easy" but i do think over time it gets "easier." being honest about your feelings is liberating and also very validating for many of your readers (myself included). ~allison
Allison, If I ever felt the need to comment about your relationship with my brother I would definitely put my name to it. Besides, I prefer to not involve myself in your relationship.
Mary, your sister-in-law
Oh, I so understand your pov here. I've been there, in fact maybe I'm there right now in my own way. So sorry you're going through this.
Have you been keeping up with your alone time on a regular basis? When's the last time you got away and did something YOU wanted to do, without anybody hanging on you and asking things of you?
Hugs to you
Alli,
I just now got around to reading this. Just to answer your question...the anonymous response was not from me. While I'm not sure about this...I don't think my mom even knows how to respond...at least she's never left a response on mine. All I have to say is this....hang in there. While I can only imagine how much it sucks to be in the midst of it....this too shall pass. Praying for you....
Allison,
I totally understand about the knives and I don't think you're crazy. As a part-time chiropractor and full-time mother, I understand how much work it takes to do both. Just as my adjustments are better when I am allowed the correct tools (my table, pelvic blocks, rolling stool...), my cooking is better when I have my knives, mixer, etc. I think some people underestimate the time and effort it takes to plan meals, buy groceries, and cook real, nourishing food (not to mention the budget). I don't remember where you said the knives are stored, but it seems like it would help you in many ways to get them somehow- or even buy a new one if that would be easier. It's as if they're stored on Mount Everest or something. I wish you luck and peace during this transition! Julie
It's a stressful, unsettled situation. It's no wonder you're out of sorts. I know you guys will figure things out. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help.
I was just thinking about what a horrible, irrational crab I was this weekend to my family...and I don't have anything particularly stressful going on. None of us are perfect and acknowledging what's not going right and trying to fix it is really the best we can do.
for the record I liked that you posted this post, it's what I've liked about your blog from the beginning--the reality of it. not that I like to know you're having a hard time, but I like to know I'm not alone in these types of situations, which I am reminded of when I come to this blog. reality bites so let's at least be real about it in the meantime, eh?
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