I'm Running Away

I know it probably doesn't qualify as running away if I'm telling everyone that I'm running away, but here is what I am running away from:

1) Cancer / Family Dynamics

2) Vernon Not Making Any Money

3) Living Here

I'm really angry and disappointed over the fact that my father-in-law trusts medical doctors over his own son. And I am having a hard time getting over this. A very hard time. (And, don't worry, I'm not saying anything here that I haven't said to everybody in person. That was a really fun conversation.)

Vern doesn't care. Well, one day he REALLY cared, and I felt bad for him and angry with him, and so I started caring about it too. On his behalf. I wanted his father to believe him. To have faith in him. To believe IN him. But then Vern calmed down, gained perspective, and cooled off over the whole thing.

But I haven't.

(And I get confused by how Vern feels one way one day and a different way the next. Always changing from one emotion to the next.)

Because I need some time and space to process these things.

But I don't have my own space! I don't have my own house. I don't have my own furniture. I don't have my own anything.

What I do have, that is my own space, is this blog.

So I come here to process things.

But then I can't, because people won't let me, and I have to remove posts (really nice posts too, where I tried really hard to keep it about my perspective and nothing else. I didn't even call anybody a douche bag or anything).

Which brings me to point 2, because then I start resenting Vern for not making any money so that we can move out of here. I mean, how is Vern supposed to be a successful chiropractor / health professional if he can't even teach his own father about health? (Ironic, isn't it, that now here I am resenting the man I'm trying so fiercely to stick up for and support.) Vern has obviously had other things on his mind lately (trying to save his dad), so he hasn't really been focusing on the business. So, I get stressed, start wanting my own space, AND I start resenting Vern for not working harder to get us that.

And I don't want to do that.

Which is why I need to run away.

Because the car is my own space.

I need a road trip to clear my head and calm everything down up there. It's nobody's fault. Nothing needs to be "fixed" here. I'm totally fine with Vern not making any money and living here when I'm not stressed. I recognize that it is just me and that it is really not that big of a deal.

When I get stressed, I need to go internal. Vern keeps pushing me and pushing me, and I start to crumble. And I can't deal with that right now either.

So, it's not even running away so much as to get away from problems inasmuch as it is a way to have a space to sort them out. Because, more than anything, I am just mad at myself for the way that I'm handling things. I'm not happy with myself. I want to be a person who is more forgiving, more sympathetic, more loving. And I'm not that person yet.

Unfortunately, I don't really have anywhere to run away to right now. Montana and North Carolina are too far away, and the timing didn't work out with my friend who lives within 10 hours. Plus, it is actually kind of hard to run away, you know, what with having lives to attend to and all. Photos to work on, places the kids need to be, a birth coming up, an open house for Vern's office on Saturday. You know... life.

So, maybe I'll just take a drive to Iowa to see a gigantic ball of twine or something. I don't know.