"Insanity is hereditary - you get it from your children." - Sam Levenson
I've been getting overwhelmed lately. Take this morning, for instance: within 20 minutes of waking up, my baby wants to be held, my son wants to play barn (can you play barn? can you play barn? can you play barn? I hear this 387 times a day), and my daughter wants to go for a walk. I don't know what to do. I say to Vernon, crying (because I'm overwhelmed and I've been crying a little bit lately). I'm tired of being wanted all the time.
Vernon doesn't understand how I feel. He can't. He doesn't have the right chromosomes.
He doesn't understand how hard it is to have my baby cry simply because I walk out of a room. Or to have her cry when I walk into a room because she then realizes that she is not with me and she wants to be. Or how it's hard to read books to the older kids, like I used to do, because baby Peace grabs them and tries to eat them. Or how it sucks that Peace likes to have my boob in her mouth half the night when all I want to do is roll over to a more comfortable position.
This is why going to playgroup is like therapy... because my mom friends GET this. They listen. They understand.
Vernon tries to fix things. (And yes, I've read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, so I know how terribly cliched and gender-specific our behaviors are, so nobody needs to remind me.) But I don't want anything fixed. I just want to say things just to SAY them, because then that helps me not to THINK about them anymore. It's a release. (Kind of like writing in this blog, right?)
I want to say: Sometimes, I don't like being around my kids. This doesn't mean that I need a solution, like putting the older kids in school, or getting a babysitter for the baby. All it means is that, Sometimes, I don't like being around my kids.
I value early bedtimes for our kids. Vernon doesn't get this either. He keeps pushing for later bedtimes now that the weather has gotten nicer. He doesn't understand that having later bedtimes turns me into a crazy person. I need that time at night to NOT have to think about my kids. To recharge. To reload. To replenish. Don't you understand how much I need this? He doesn't get it.
I'm not bashing Vernon. I'm trying not to. I love him. We're working on this (because this is not the first day of this stress... Peace is clingy, I'm short-tempered... it's been going on for a little while).
I have ideas. 1) I'd like to go for a walk, by myself, at least 3-5 times a week. 2) I'd like to get out, by myself, for a couple hours once every week or so. (I did this last weekend. When I went to Sears. Why I didn't choose an activity I actually enjoy, I don't know. Shopping is not my thing. I'll think of something better next time.)
I don't like having to ask permission to take a shower. Is it alright if I take a shower now? Are you going to be around? It feels weird. Vernon and I do not have the type of relationship where I need to ask permission to do anything, yet here I am asking permission to take a shower.
I guess that's all.
"Motherhood brings as much joy as ever, but it still brings boredom, exhaustion, and sorrow, too. Nothing else ever will make you as happy or as sad, as proud or as tired, for nothing is quite as hard as helping a person develop his own individuality - especially while you struggle to keep your own." - Marguerite Kelly and Ella Parsons