"Insanity is hereditary - you get it from your children." - Sam Levenson
I've been getting overwhelmed lately. Take this morning, for instance: within 20 minutes of waking up, my baby wants to be held, my son wants to play barn (can you play barn? can you play barn? can you play barn? I hear this 387 times a day), and my daughter wants to go for a walk. I don't know what to do. I say to Vernon, crying (because I'm overwhelmed and I've been crying a little bit lately). I'm tired of being wanted all the time.
Vernon doesn't understand how I feel. He can't. He doesn't have the right chromosomes.
He doesn't understand how hard it is to have my baby cry simply because I walk out of a room. Or to have her cry when I walk into a room because she then realizes that she is not with me and she wants to be. Or how it's hard to read books to the older kids, like I used to do, because baby Peace grabs them and tries to eat them. Or how it sucks that Peace likes to have my boob in her mouth half the night when all I want to do is roll over to a more comfortable position.
This is why going to playgroup is like therapy... because my mom friends GET this. They listen. They understand.
Vernon tries to fix things. (And yes, I've read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, so I know how terribly cliched and gender-specific our behaviors are, so nobody needs to remind me.) But I don't want anything fixed. I just want to say things just to SAY them, because then that helps me not to THINK about them anymore. It's a release. (Kind of like writing in this blog, right?)
I want to say: Sometimes, I don't like being around my kids. This doesn't mean that I need a solution, like putting the older kids in school, or getting a babysitter for the baby. All it means is that, Sometimes, I don't like being around my kids.
I value early bedtimes for our kids. Vernon doesn't get this either. He keeps pushing for later bedtimes now that the weather has gotten nicer. He doesn't understand that having later bedtimes turns me into a crazy person. I need that time at night to NOT have to think about my kids. To recharge. To reload. To replenish. Don't you understand how much I need this? He doesn't get it.
I'm not bashing Vernon. I'm trying not to. I love him. We're working on this (because this is not the first day of this stress... Peace is clingy, I'm short-tempered... it's been going on for a little while).
I have ideas. 1) I'd like to go for a walk, by myself, at least 3-5 times a week. 2) I'd like to get out, by myself, for a couple hours once every week or so. (I did this last weekend. When I went to Sears. Why I didn't choose an activity I actually enjoy, I don't know. Shopping is not my thing. I'll think of something better next time.)
I don't like having to ask permission to take a shower. Is it alright if I take a shower now? Are you going to be around? It feels weird. Vernon and I do not have the type of relationship where I need to ask permission to do anything, yet here I am asking permission to take a shower.
I guess that's all.
"Motherhood brings as much joy as ever, but it still brings boredom, exhaustion, and sorrow, too. Nothing else ever will make you as happy or as sad, as proud or as tired, for nothing is quite as hard as helping a person develop his own individuality - especially while you struggle to keep your own." - Marguerite Kelly and Ella Parsons
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10 comments:
Lovely post! I am with you soooooo much on this... it's definitely the age that Peace and Jasper are at. I too have the eating the book trouble right now. And the clingy baby who only wants me. And I most definitely am asking permission to take a shower (we don't have an ask permission kind of relationship either). Anyway, yeah, nice to know I'm not alone :)
I completely and utterly understand what you are saying as I am just now beginning to come out the otherside of this scenario. There have been many times when my hubby was the only adult around when I needed to voice my current state, just to make my feelings real. I usually had to remind him that there was nothing he could do but just hear me! Thank you for sharing this...
I totally get where you're coming from. Being needed/wanted all the time can really drain a person. Oh...and I know you likely won't....but don't give up the early bedtime. Could your kids survive a later bedtime....likely. But as a mom who stays at home with her kids all day, the kids' bedtime is like gold. It's something to be treasured. You need that time!!!
It's exhausting to be needed and on-duty 24/7, isn't it? I have so much respect for moms of multiple kids, because even one is a challenge. I love both of the quotes you included, they are so true.
What you're going through is totally normal. I don't think anybody in the history of motherhood has ever said "No thanks, I don't need a few hours off occasionally to clear my head and catch a break; I don't mind being pulled in a million different directions all day and all night long. But thanks for asking!" Good for you for admitting that you're feeling burnt out, and identifying a solution.
I went through something similar a few months ago, so Mark took over nighttime duty for me. Wow, what a difference that has made! I knew I needed regular decompression time to be a good wife and mother, and things are running much more smoothly now. I still get overwhelmed at times, but it helps so much to know that I have a "scheduled break" coming up...it gets me through the really challenging times. I hope you guys can work something out so you get your solo walks and other necessary breaks.
You're right, being a mother is hard. And asking for help can be even harder. I'm so glad you're speaking up :)
Wow--this really hits home for me and made me feel like I was reading a page out of my own journal. I admire your courage in sharing how you feel in a public way--it makes me feel better knowing I am not the only one. It is possible to love motherhood and have it drive you crazy at the same time.
Thank you for being so honest! Your so right. Men don't get it, they just can't.
I wanted to slap my husband when he said to me last night "I know it's hard being pregnant and taking care of the kids all day" Really? How the heck would you know!?
I have been feeling so touched out lately, and all I want is time to myself. Most days it doesn't come. I'm always on.
Just know that you are not alone.
wow, you just described my last year and a half. I am so glad I am not the only one that has had to ask to take a shower and I still do often as Jacob is VERY clingy and always has been. The walk thing was something that worked well for me last spring. Today I got to run errands all by myslef! It took like 15 min to do my usual 2 hours! I totally relate and then can't relate AT ALL bc I have ONE and you have THREE. So mass Kudos to you Mrs Kuznia! Cheers to all the unshowered, over tired, outtouched, loosing their identity moms that would never trade there current life for their "before they were mama" life!
OH--the early/late bedtime thing is a BIG one at our house!
Sarah J
Right on!
I totally feel you on this one (except I have 1-can't imagine it with 3.) Found you at Alabaster Cow...glad I did! I'm a new follower! Oh & I liked what you said in your About Me being what Mother Theresa was to the poor...my mom always said, "Charity begins at home."
It's interesting, because as I read your post I could see my husband in your words (your words about your own feelings, not about Vernon). DH is the SAH parent in our family, and he is the un-showered, touched-out, "Gaaah-everybody needs a piece of me" person who I think could relate to your thoughts. Although some things are motherhood specific (at least I'm the one who handled the boob-in-mouth all night job, so there was some more division of labor in our arrangement), I think a lot of what you describe can be understood by dads, particularly if they are the SAHP.
I can relate to just needing to speak things aloud to a person without wanting advice or suggestions or criticism in response, just a listening ear.
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