So we talked last night.
(First, I feel the need to remind you all that we really are the most awesome couple in the whole wide world. If you don't believe me, watch this video to remind yourselves. We're awesome.)
That being said, sure we have our issues (like this whole drinking thing), but we're also really good at talking things out (even if it takes us until 5:00 in the morning and takes me two days to do so). We've talked about this "drinking" issue many, many times already, and we actually seemed to come to some sort resolution on the subject... but that was all lost after I saw him drinking for the first time the other night. (BTW: I just want to point out that these are issues relating solely to me and Vernon and how I react to HIM drinking. I don't give a flying frick about if and how other people choose to drink. Which is why drinking isn't even the sole issue here... it's the other issues, those of which I am trying to get to the bottom of.)
I told him that I had a visceral reaction to seeing him drinking... something that made me want to throw up and cry all at the same time.
"It is kind of like when I see Ezra wear that Cars shirt," I said.
"Really? My drinking was the same as seeing Ezra in that shirt?" he said.
"Yes, it was," I said. "I really hate that shirt."
We tried to come up with what some of the core issues were behind my reaction to him drinking (because that is really what it is all about, right?). One of the things was, like I mentioned before, the feelings of being left out, and feeling like I don't know him. We brainstormed ways to stay connected. Ways that included more than just playing Battleship on Friday night Date Nights.
Acknowledging the fact that it was hard to get out together with having a baby (I love you, Peace!), but that we might need to anyway. Trying to find the balance.
Another core issue was control... me wanting him to think the way that I think, do the things that I want him to do.
Nothing was ever officially resolved. We still have work to do. *I* still have work to do. I need to have a shift in my thinking for everything to be okay. I wish that could happen easily. I don't know how to make that shift happen, and that is frustrating to me.
I try to understand the dichotomy of drinking in this society, and I just don't get it. (I need to realize that I don't need to understand it.)
I have come to understand social drinking. I'm okay with that. A drink here or there for the sake of not being left out. I get that. It's the drinking to get drunk that I don't understand.
Maybe I just need to get wasted to figure out what it's all about.
12 comments:
So I didn't comment on the last post because I was having a hard time not taking some of your comments about consumption of alcohol personally.
I do want to say that there is a whole spectrum between sober and wasted. A nice glass of the right wine brings out a world of new flavors in a meal. One or two drinks opens up blood vessels, releasing tension creating a nice relaxed feeling. You can get a little tipsy (this is where you notice some slight effects in your brain) and get a little giggly and perhaps a little less inhibited. It is enjoyable to experience these sensations while still being in control of yourself. I can't recommend getting "wasted." That ultimately just doesn't feel good unless you're trying to escape something.
Ditto kastinkerbell.
My hubby sells wine for a living & some wine is just plain wonderful. The occasional event of getting tipsy is a good way for me to unwind when there's been extra stress in my life. I also have a baby & 2 "big" kids so it's tough to get away or have a date. We will connect with a glass (or 2) of really nice wine after the kids go to bed.
I don't think it makes us bad people and I also respect & understand people who choose not to drink. We have friends and family who are on both ends of the spectrum. It adds to the color in our lives. Some colors are good and some are bad. :)
Hi Allison,
Another Allison here! I just found your blog yesterday. Anyways, I can totally relate to you here. My fiance and I don't drink. We just don't. For me, I don't like the taste of any alcoholic drink, and for him he just chooses not to. We also don't like bars or that whole atmosphere. So I can totally relate to how you're feeling. It'd be the same for me if I saw my fiance drinking and acting totally not himself. I think I too would be a bit hurt and confused.
It's like one time he took some strong pain medication during a hockey game after he got his chin sliced open. It made him loopy. And I didn't like it, he wasn't him anymore. I think that some of our lifestyle makes us who we are. So when you see your husband drinking and not how he once was, you're hurt. Because it's not the guy you know/knew.
I don't know you guys, but have you asked him what made him decide to start drinking? I know he's not an alcoholic, but what is the reasoning behind deciding to start drinking socially?
I can potentially relate to Vernon here, although it's just speculation because everyone has different reasons for doing what they do. I used to never drink, mainly because of the reasons you have mentioned for yourself--what's the point? just not interested, never felt like it, like who I am without alcohol well enough, it's extra sugar and calories that I'd rather consume via brownies, etc. But also part of me did it because I had gone so long not drinking that I felt like my body was a holy temple, and that a sip of alcohol would somehow defile it.
When I was in my 3rd (last) year of law school, maybe it was being around the partying law student atmosphere but I just decided that I wanted to try having a drink when I was out with my friends once in awhile. (I don't necessarily think my decision to consume alcohol was related to law school specifically, just thought I would mention it in case there's any parallel to Vern being in his professional schooling and exposed to new people with perspectives, or whatever the case may be).
Anyway, I still have never been drunk, still follow the philosophy of I'll have a drink in certain situations if I feel like it and not if I don't, and very often I don't feel like it. What I realized for me is that it's really not that big a deal whether I do have a drink or I don't. It's just really not that big of a deal. There are other things more important or interesting for me to expend my energy thinking about. I think when I was on the other side of the line, of not ever drinking, it felt like a bigger deal, maybe because it was part of my self-identity, maybe because there had been not a drop past my lips ever.
So all that is to say that I feel I can sort of see where you are coming from and what you might be feeling, having been there, but also perhaps I can see how Vernon might feel.
He may still be the same guy following the same philosophy of only drinking when he feels like it, it's just that sometimes now he feels like it, whereas before he never did (or not enough to overcome the fear you mentioned in your last post).
Kastinkerbell and Lydia - I absolutely don't think that drinking makes people *bad*. You're absolutely right in that there is nothing wrong about drinking. I'm just not comfortable around it. But I'm working on it. I'm trying. :)
Other Allison - What made him start drinking was the fact that he didn't want to be scared of doing it any longer. The fear of doing it was the main thing that was holding him back, and he wanted to conquer that fear (fear of doing something he had never done before, fear of losing control, etc.). He also wanted to feel more comfortable in social situations where alcohol was served.
Jennifer R - Loved your comment. Loved this line, "I think when I was on the other side of the line, of not ever drinking, it felt like a bigger deal, maybe because it was part of my self-identity."
And Vernon has basically said the same thing as this, after he started drinking, "What I realized for me is that it's really not that big a deal whether I do have a drink or I don't." This was something, like you, that he learned because of drinking. And that is a good thing.
Glad to hear you talked about it :)
I truly believe you will figure this one out. I just wanted to shout out to you that I'm still sending love, understanding, prayer, and positive thoughts your way. It's a hard issue, but you two CAN work through it.
(Oh, and I just watched the video you made for the first time. It made me cry... in a good way. It also made me remember how much I love my husband, and though we are going through an extremely difficult time right now as a family- just circumstances of life- and it has the tendency to make things tense... we have moments just like the ones you captured in that video... and it's beautiful.)
I completely disagree that social drinking is "a drink here or there for the sake of not being left out".
The only place I ever am around alcohol is at a mom's night out or something similar. I may or may not have some. My decision has everything to do with me, and nothing to do with anyone else.
I have no problem with other people be uncomfortable with me not drinking.
Sarah - I was referring more to that is what Vernon thought of as social drinking and him not wanting to feel like the odd man out. He got tired of the question, "Why don't you drink."
Allison,
I really appreciate your honesty. My husband chose to stop drinking 9 years ago. I very seldom drink, but when I do it's not an issue for him. He is a recovering alcoholic, and he has always said that it is important to him to find a way to be comfortable in a world where people consume alcohol. And I believe he does now. It's so good that you are tacking the inner issues that are behind your discomfort.
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