This is from the wedding:
And this is what I looked like today. (I'm holding Peace because I need her as an excuse to have my picture taken.)
I don't drink. However, my husband (his name is Vernon) has been drinking for about 1-1/2 years now. Before that, he never drank either. Now he drinks and I'm not really sure how I feel about it.
This was the first time that I ever actually saw him drinking. It made me feel uncomfortable. And it made me uncomfortable that he was drinking around our children.
He was part of the wedding party, and after the ceremony, they all went for a libation-filled limo ride before arriving at the reception (you all know the ones). When he entered the reception hall, there was music playing quietly in the background, and he comes in and does a fist pump to the music. And I'm thinking, "Who is this guy, doing a fist pump to music that is barely even playing?"
I felt disconnected from him, like I didn't even know who he was anymore. He was now a guy who entered a room and did fist pumps.
And, later, he goes on to give this long-winded speech as the best man, and I wasn't entirely sure if he was extremely buzzed while giving it, or just acting that way for the speech. It was strange.
See, this topic of drinking is a weird one for me because I choose not to drink because I don't see the point in it. I like being who I am, and I don't want anything messing up with the awesomeness that I've got going on up here (I'm pointing to my brain).
I thought that Vernon had felt the same way.
But, like I said, about 1-1/2 years ago he started drinking (and by "drinking", I mean "on occasion" and "socially"... it's not like he's a total soak or anything), and it was then that I learned that the reason he had never drank prior to that wasn't for the reasons that I thought. He never drank before because he was scared. Scared of losing control. Scared of doing something he'd never done before. Etc. So, part of his journey in self-discovery was to become comfortable with drinking.
Which I get.
And I had since gotten over it, I think... until tonight, when I saw him like drinking for the first time. I felt far away from him, like I was watching him from another planet. Not drinking was a part of our relationship before. We were always the couple that "didn't drink"... for many, many years. Now we're not. Now there's only me.
There are these giant blank spaces of time (when he's at school, when he's getting a tattoo, when he's going to seminars, when he's singing karaoke, when he's eating at Perkins, when he's on a limo ride), where I feel like I don't know him anymore. He's out doing things that he's never done before and I'm not a part of it.
I'm just hanging out taking care of the kids.
You all know how I'm a fan of On Children by Kahlil Gibran, right? (Our children are not our children, they are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself.) I think I have an easier time applying that philosophy to my children than to my husband. Like, I allow them to be free and discover themselves and be who they want to be, yet I have a hard time letting my husband do the same.
If I was a more self-actualized person, I wouldn't be such a douche about this.
I guess I still have work to do.