This is from the wedding:
And this:
And this is what I looked like today. (I'm holding Peace because I need her as an excuse to have my picture taken.)
I don't drink. However, my husband (his name is Vernon) has been drinking for about 1-1/2 years now. Before that, he never drank either. Now he drinks and I'm not really sure how I feel about it.
This was the first time that I ever actually saw him drinking. It made me feel uncomfortable. And it made me uncomfortable that he was drinking around our children.
He was part of the wedding party, and after the ceremony, they all went for a libation-filled limo ride before arriving at the reception (you all know the ones). When he entered the reception hall, there was music playing quietly in the background, and he comes in and does a fist pump to the music. And I'm thinking, "Who is this guy, doing a fist pump to music that is barely even playing?"
I felt disconnected from him, like I didn't even know who he was anymore. He was now a guy who entered a room and did fist pumps.
And, later, he goes on to give this long-winded speech as the best man, and I wasn't entirely sure if he was extremely buzzed while giving it, or just acting that way for the speech. It was strange.
See, this topic of drinking is a weird one for me because I choose not to drink because I don't see the point in it. I like being who I am, and I don't want anything messing up with the awesomeness that I've got going on up here (I'm pointing to my brain).
I thought that Vernon had felt the same way.
But, like I said, about 1-1/2 years ago he started drinking (and by "drinking", I mean "on occasion" and "socially"... it's not like he's a total soak or anything), and it was then that I learned that the reason he had never drank prior to that wasn't for the reasons that I thought. He never drank before because he was scared. Scared of losing control. Scared of doing something he'd never done before. Etc. So, part of his journey in self-discovery was to become comfortable with drinking.
Which I get.
And I had since gotten over it, I think... until tonight, when I saw him like drinking for the first time. I felt far away from him, like I was watching him from another planet. Not drinking was a part of our relationship before. We were always the couple that "didn't drink"... for many, many years. Now we're not. Now there's only me.
There are these giant blank spaces of time (when he's at school, when he's getting a tattoo, when he's going to seminars, when he's singing karaoke, when he's eating at Perkins, when he's on a limo ride), where I feel like I don't know him anymore. He's out doing things that he's never done before and I'm not a part of it.
I'm just hanging out taking care of the kids.
You all know how I'm a fan of On Children by Kahlil Gibran, right? (Our children are not our children, they are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself.) I think I have an easier time applying that philosophy to my children than to my husband. Like, I allow them to be free and discover themselves and be who they want to be, yet I have a hard time letting my husband do the same.
If I was a more self-actualized person, I wouldn't be such a douche about this.
I guess I still have work to do.
Good night.
8 comments:
I know you don't know me, but for what it's worth:
I don't think you're being a douche about this. Just like it is OK to not be OK with unwanted touching/hugs, it is also OK to not be OK with drinking.
Please, please, talk to Vernon about this. Deeply. Honestly. I can hear the pain in your post and I ache for you. I, too, know that pain first hand. Marriage is a journey for TWO and you need to choose your path together. The important issue here is not drinking vs. not... it's that you are not journeying together at points, and that is a slippery slope of emotional disconnection from each other.
My heart and prayers go out for you tonight.
I totally agree with what the above poster said. I went through this in my marriage, only it was the other way around. *I* was the one going out and discovering myself and becoming a whole new person, and it was exhilarating and amazing. I was with my husband since the time that I was 18, which is very, very young (of course I didn't think so at the time!).
When I was doing that, I *needed* to be doing those things. I needed to expand and grow and change. In doing that, there were things that started to separate in my marriage. We didn't really talk about it a lot, but I know we both could feel it. When I checked in with him, he said he was fine with it and supported me in this process.
At the same time, I know he was also resentful. I know this because it came out in small, passive-aggressive ways at times, and when we occasionally had a fight, it would all come exploding out, because he HAD been holding those feelings back. He had a hard time reconciling the fact that on one hand he DID support me in my new discovery and work, but at the same time he felt left behind, and like I was becoming someone he didn't know.
A couple of years later, we got divorced. Now, please don't misunderstand what I am saying - I don't think that we got divorced because of this. I think that this was a small piece of a MUCH larger puzzle. I am not at all saying that this is where you are heading, not in the least.
What I AM saying is that these small things can build up, and over time can turn into much larger issues, issues that might not have needed to be such a big deal if they weren't pushed down in the first place. There is room for BOTH feeling supportive AND being left behind. It doesn't have to be one or the other, or neat and easy. What is important is that you communicate with each other about it. I also HIGHLY recommend finding a friend or two that you can talk to about this, either in person, on the phone, online - whatever - that you can get some perspective from. Sometimes it is great to run these things by a girlfriend first and see if that can't help, not because you shouldn't talk about them with your husband, but because sometimes radical honesty isn't the best way to go because it can really hurt the other person. I am sure that this last point is not very clear right now, but it's the best I can do at the moment.
One last thing - this is going to go on for a while, you are moving, he still has more school and will then be opening a business. In my (unsolicited) opinion (take it or leave it!), you need to make it a priority to spend as much couple alone time together as possible. You need to have even more connection so that you can remember and know that you DO know him even though he is simultaneously changing. There is still so much of your lives to live and experience, there is going to be a lot of change in who BOTH of you are. I know it is hard with three kids and limited income, but do whatever you can do to make that a priority. You clearly are awesome together and I think as much reminder of that as possible can only be a good thing.
Good luck, you rock. :)
I really love your brain, as well. This post was very well written and made me think long and hard about my marriage and expectations. I think it is very noble of you to take this time to inspect yourself and how you feel about what is happening. Although I do agree with what the other commenters said, as far as being honest with him, I agree with YOU in the fact that we have to let our partner grow and experience what they NEED to experience in order for them to feel fulfilled. Otherwise we are trying to CONTROL their life experience. I would be honest with him about your reservations and observations, and make it a priority to spend non drinking time together, but if you trust him and love him (and believe he feels the same) then how can you presume to think you know what is best for him?? You have a wonderful mind, girlfriend.....
Wow. Having a blog really is like therapy, especially when I get feedback like this. Thanks a lot everybody. I was really drawn to this comment, "Just like it is OK to not be OK with unwanted touching/hugs, it is also OK to not be OK with drinking." I think I needed to hear that because I was not taking ownership of those feelings before, so thank you for that.
Allison
I hope Vern reads this post. This is definitely something he should know, and it is okay that you feel this way.
We also don't drink, and if my husband started drinking (and fist pumping) I would feel exactly the way you describe. No offense to Vern.
On a lighter note, I love the pictures and I love that you gave a hug as the wedding gift.
Joel and I don't make a habit of drinking. However I do enjoy a margarita with my friends in-between birthing mothers if they are widely spaced due dates. When I had the gathering and talked up the awesome pina coloda's I would have...I drank 1/4 of one and switched to coffee. I think not drinking is awesome. And I am okay with not drinking forever and ever amen. But I am okay with Joel knowing his boundaries and me knowing mine.
Al - I've known you two from the start....and frankly...at least to me....you were never the "couple that never drank"....you were Vern and Al - unique for the people you are, not what you do or do not do. So number one - don't let an action define the person/couple you are. Second....Vern loves and worries about you. In the time I got to talk to him last night, he was busy asking me how you were doing, what I thought he could do to help.
I kind of chuckled at your fist pump comment at first - as the Vern I've always known, could definitely have fist pumped his way into a room - as he did conga line out of a restaurant - you and myself in tow. I didn't realize Vern had started to drink and didn't think twice about his actions.
What I do worry about is that this worries you. I know you have always had an opinion on drinking and I understand why. The key is to ensure you and Vern are on the same page - that how he handles himself is responsible and discuss what you want the kids to see. Obviously, I have taken the route that I want Noah to see me be responsible with alcohol...I want him to know how to handle it when it is offered to him.....you and Vern need to decide what you want your kids to see and use as an example.
I really don't think that Vern's experiences could ever separate him from you unless you let the resentment grow. He cares too much for you and I'm pretty sure he'd give up the world for you. I know you well enough that you'd never ask that from him. It's what makes the two of you a lasting team....and what made you write the "douche" comment above. Share with him what you want to experience and that you seeing him "finding himself" has created this issue and maybe you need to find yourself as well. I just hope that you talk to him before he reads it here.
I don't at all want to minimize your feelings - but I firmly believe that you will find your compromise together - and the man you have always loved is still the center of your husband - no actions take away the man he is.
I'm glad I made some sense. I was a little concerned that I typed "OK" about a bazillion times. LOL!
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