I got my period back the other day. (And, no, it doesn't bother me that I'm writing about this on here because I have already crossed THAT LINE many, many times already, dear readers. See previous posts from the inception of this blog until present.)
Getting my period back is my body's way of telling me that it is ready to have a baby again (if I want that, which I don't... I'm just saying). This is the soonest that I have gotten my cycle back after birth, and I was not expecting it. With Ocean, it lasted until 14 months. With Ezra, it was 22 months.
It is my body's way of telling me that Peace is nursing less and not needing me *as much*. It is a sign that her babyhood is ending.
Peace is almost a year old. Pretty soon, Peace will be walking. She is getting close. And I suppose I will eventually have to put shoes on her feet for the first time in her life, and that makes me sad too. So many changes. She is growing up, and I'm kind of sad about this because I feel like I've missed out on her babyhood. It all went by so fast, and I was in such a state of distraction and disarray most of the time that I didn't even notice or appreciate the majority of it.
I feel like I've screwed up on this motherhood thing a bit for the better part of Peace's life. This has been a hard year (for whatever reasons... the postpartum stuff, the relational stuff, whatever), and I have done more yelling and been more stressed out at my kids than I care to admit to.
Peace isn't even *the hard one* anymore. It's the other two... the yelling at each other, the fighting with each other. I recognize that they are a reflection of me (especially Ocean, the way she talks and the words she uses sound like they could be coming out of my mouth, and it is disturbing to be faced with that), but I don't know how to change myself so that they will reflect a better version of who I am. If I could just do that, everything would be better. Instead, it is a vicious cycle and continues as it is.
I feel like I could be doing better. I feel like I should be doing better. I feel like Peace deserves that.
I'm sorry. This is probably just the menstrual blood talking. I'll go now.
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8 comments:
I must be the most unlucky person - after my son Who is exclusively breastfed, has fed every 2 hours since birth and only recently started going 4hour-ish of a night. I got my period back at 7 weeks!!! AGGGHHHHH!!!
Nawww, Look at the fantastic healthy, wholesome choices you make for you family!! I think they (the kids) are very blessed to belong to your family/home.
i love reading your posts.... you are so honest, it makes me feel not so alone in this world....
You are such a good mama. Reading your posts, I get great ideas for what I hope to become, books I need to read, vows I need to make to my children. You're inspiring. No, you aren't perfect, but you are the perfect mama for Miss Peace.
Gray is my first, and he is, I think 6 days younger than Peace. I've made a point to take in every moment, to play and love and cuddle with him.And it still has gone by so fast! I feel like he was just born! He is still nursing and he nurses all night and sleeps in our bed. Sometimes I get irritated or I am tired or just frustrated and I get angry because he wants me to hold him longer, take him outside, play, cuddle... I have to remind myself that I only get this one day that is today.
Sigh. My period came back at 7 weeks with my first. Before even my 2 mo check up. Double sigh. Nursed round the clock, coslept, baby wore, yada yada. Nature was a bit gentler to me with my second and allowed me a 16 week haitus. Ha!
I've had the same thoughts as you... its so hard with more than one to devote as much attention to each child as you'd like. And by the end of the day my level of peace & patience has dwindled...
And this heat! Well, here on the East Coast anyway, the heat has been opressive.
I'll take that excuse & run with it. :)
((hugs))
I did a poll on facebook a little while ago, and I asked everybody when they got their periods back after giving birth. It was a wide range.
You can read about it in my post here:
http://goofymama.blogspot.com/2010/02/lent-day-9.html
Umm thanks a lot, it's all your fault, I got my period back today. Coincidentally, 2 weeks before my baby's 1st birthday.
Wow. That is uncanny... mine was a little less than 2 weeks before my baby's 1st birthday too. Weird.
Hang in there, Allison. Things will get better with time. I can so relate to all of this. I have still not gotten my period back after 16 months, and maybe it's because I'm not really ready for it.
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