Wanting to Be Known

I've always wanted to be known. That's why I started this blog. That's why I've applied for no less than 8 reality shows in my life (no joke). That's why

I think that maybe one thing I've learned through this whole thing is that I don't really want to be known after all.

Not in the Hey-World-Look-At-Me-And-What-I've-Done sort of way, anyway.

(It seems like a foolish wanting, now that I sit here an think about it, and I am happy to abandon it. I'm not quite sure why I ever wanted it in the first place.)

But I think that what I do want is to know and be known, in terms of human connection.

Getting to know people better, and having others get to know me. (Neither of which I am inherently good at.)

Marc Barnes wrote, in this article about the anthropological origins of the duck-face pose: The problem with popular photography is not that it makes a relation to the person photographed difficult, but that it professes to make it easy, when relation to another person is the most difficult, terrifying task in the universe.

And that it is, my dear readers, that it is.

I think about people who hug other people so easily in this world. It seems like most people do, at least in my world anyway. Everyone around me likes to hug.

But I do not.

And then I watch this video:


And I think about how powerful the human touch can be as a means of connection.

And I think about how far I have to go.

(Not that hugging people is necessarily causal or correlative to how I connect with people... but it is something, you know?)

Curiosity

So, I've been thinking about my mood some more after having written about it last week.

Vern said to me the other night, that it must be exhausting trying to figure stuff out all the time. Like why I feel a certain way. Why things happen. What I need to learn from any given situation. He said that in itself sounds exhausting.

And he's right.

Yet I continue with my thinking. My examining things to the nth degree.

It's just being myself, I guess. Because I am a curious person and being curious is just what I do. Being curious generally doesn't bother me, it just makes me feel a little weird and annoying sometimes.

Because I am the type of person who sees a picture somebody posts on facebook and asks, "What is that envelope on your counter?" Or, if somebody says they saw a cow dressed as Liza Minnelli walking down the street in Stillwater, I'll ask, "What were you doing in Stillwater?"

I am curious, and, for whatever reason, I like to know all the pieces that make up the greater whole. Of anything in life, really.

I've noticed that other people, most people, are not this way. If they come to my house, they do not ask questions about what is on my fridge. When they're playing poker, they don't ask a series of dumb questions, starting with, "Did you ever used to watch Blossom?"

I am a strange bird. I acknowledge that.

And it is exhausting.

And, no, I haven't figured out any of the answers to the questions I was pondering last week.

The Real Story

Remember when I wrote that maybe one day I'll tell you how I really felt about the premiere of "Midwife"? Well, today's the day!

I am here to tell you that it was one of the most unfulfilling moments of my life.

Why is this? you may ask. Wasn't it a grand success? Wasn't it everything you hoped it would be in more.

And that's the thing... it was all of that. It was great. It was wonderful. It as awesome.

So, why was it so unfulfilling? I don't know. You tell me.

Most of it probably hinges on the fact that I couldn't relax into the moment and enjoy it.

I didn't have one moment during the premiere where I just sat back and said to myself, "Ah, this is nice."

Which got me to thinking, if doing something like this doesn't end up being fulfilling, what is the point in doing it?

Because the past several months... in finishing up the movie, promoting it, getting sponsors, organizing a screening, designing the DVD jacket, ordering DVDs... have been the most stressful months of my life. And then, to not even have one moment of fulfillment after it is all said and done... is it all worth it? And why?

(I am really asking this, so please comment, either to this post or on the facebook link to it. I would really like to get others perspective on this, to help me figure it all out.)

I don't think I would want to do anything like this ever again, because I don't want to put myself through that amount of stress again.

I did everything, all by myself, and experienced a great deal of stress and responsibility because of that. But not only that, the bigger thing was the fact that I was putting something out there for people to look at and make judgments about, to like or not like. And that was hard.

Where does the balance come in with creating something for the mere sake of creating it, and balancing that out with the approval I seek from others.

Remember that episode of The Office, where they were making a tower of complaint cards, and Pam, who was a people-pleaser, never had a complaint against her? And then she calls up a client and gets a complaint? At the end, when she's working on her mural, she says:

"If you're an artist, you have to be okay with the idea that you can't please everybody all the time. I mean, do you think Kevin cares what people think about him? Or Creed? Or Meredith? Oh my gosh, these are my role models now. (pause) You know what? I'm okay with that."

And that's what I need. I need Kevin from The Office to be my role model. I have a problem with seeking other people's approval, and doing all of this just brought that to the forefront. And I don't want to be like that.

After the premiere, I was expecting to be able to breathe again. When I was driving from the premiere to the after-party, I thought I would exhale and  feel normal again.

But I didn't. I still felt stressed, even after it was all said and done.

For several weeks after, and even today, all I want to do is sleep. I'm not tired, even, and I'm getting enough rest. Yet all I want to do is just... sleep.

My friend did some autocross racing in a parking lot last weekend, and she was talking about how after her first run she felt completely exhausted. Her body had experienced an adrenaline rush while racing, and was coming down from that. So, I feel like my body is slowly coming down from months of an adrenaline surge of stress. Or something.

I don't feel normal yet. I don't feel like myself.

And I don't know what I'm supposed to learn from all this. I don't know if it is good, to give myself challenges in life, and to grow and learn from them (part of me says yes). Or if putting myself through that is just not worth it (part of me says yes to this as well).

So, help me out here, dear readers. I really want your feedback on this.

What is the point of it all?