The Wisdom to Know the Difference

My last post was kind of weird. I sounded like I was on pot or something.

So, here's what's been going on:

I'm feeling better about all that other stuff that was going on. As a matter of fact, I'm at a point now where I don't even know WHY I got so worked up in the first place. Part of it, is just coming to a point, a level of detachment, where it doesn't really matter what other people are doing. (I talked about this before in my, "I don't care if people circumcise" post.) It doesn't mean that you don't care about the people, it just means that you don't care so much about their process.

It's like, with the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. 

The problem with me, at times, is that I think I can change everything. That's not necessarily a bad quality to have, but there has to be a point where the "wisdom to know the difference" steps in.

Like, I can't change the fact the my father-in-law will probably get chemo. I can't change my cousin's mind about circumcising or vaccinating his children. I couldn't change my mom's mind about getting her gallbladder removed.

And that's okay.

It doesn't mean that I can't try, but I do have to recognize when to stop and just let things be. Different people. Different journeys.

And I'm okay with that. Finally, I'm okay with that.

A Pit of Corn

I was laying in a pit of corn today, looking up at the ceiling, and thinking, "This is what my life has come to. I'm just a girl laying in a pit of corn, looking up at the ceiling."

Which isn't much different from what I used to be (you know, before kids and family life).

See, I've always been drawn to activities such as this. I carved a pumpkin every year long before having kids. And when I was 19, I remember dragging Vern to the lighting of a Christmas tree in East Grand Forks. We were the only ones there, except for a TV crew.

So, needless to say, I've never been the person hitting the clubs, or living the high life.

I have always just been the girl laying in a pit of corn, looking up at the ceiling.

Or the girl sitting by a tree, reading a book.

Or the girl sitting at the Pizza Ranch, eating 15 slices of pizza.

And I think that's important to remember.

I was reading this article about a rural Minnesota birth center, where it talked a little about the dynamics and politics behind birth in the metro area. ("...natural birthing as fitting the current cultural zeitgeist, part of the impulse for sustainable, organic everything.") And it said, "Of course, out on the prairie, none of this seems to matter. The tangle of politics, the academic debate, Ricki Lake—these are all senselessly frivolous city concerns."

Senselessly frivolous city concerns. I'm tired of senselessly frivolous city concerns. Where things are over-thought out, trying too hard, and anxious about everything (gluten, dairy, rear-facing car seats, eating local, etc).

I want to return to a simpler time and and focus on doing the simple things in life that I love (which includes living a good, healthy lifestyle), and not worry about the rest of it.

I like being that girl, laying in a pit of corn, looking up at the ceiling.

It's simple. It's nice. It's part of who I am.

A Giant Ball of Twine

In my previous post, I had mentioned something about going to see a ball of twine in Iowa (because a giant ball of twine seemed like something that Iowa would have). Little did I know that the World's Largest Ball of Twine (made by one man) was actually located in Minnesota only 1-1/2 hours from my house! (Weird Al actually wrote a song about it. Yes, it is THAT cool.)

So, I my kids and I went to see it.

On the way, we stopped at our favorite restaurant on road trips: Pizza Ranch.

This is what I ate:

And no, I didn't eat this much food because I've been feeling stressed out lately. This is how much I normally eat at the Pizza Ranch.

Anyway, so, on we continued to the little town of Darwin, Minnesota, population 279.  I had called Roger ahead of time and we were scheduled for a "tour" at 1:30. We got there a little early, so the kids played at a park that had a REAL teeter-totter and merry-go-round. It was very exciting.

And then, on to the Twine Ball:

They said that the twine ball gets around 5,000 visitors every year, with people coming from all over the world. It is 12 feet in diameter and weighs over 10,000 pounds. It was pretty awesome, and well worth the trip.

Then, of course, after our 15 minutes spent at the Twine Ball and its museum, there really wasn't much more to do in Darwin, Minnesota, so we headed back.

On our way, we stopped at this hill just outside of Darwin:

It was really nice, and it gave me the space I've been longing for. (For 5 minutes anyway, then Peace started whimpering, "Want to go back home now." She was cold.)

The Giant Ball of Twine didn't provide for me the answers to all of life's questions. (I asked, but it remained silent.) And the drive didn't provide me with that much time to think and process things, but it was still a worthwhile trip.

Just ask Weird Al Yankovic. He knows.

I'm Running Away

I know it probably doesn't qualify as running away if I'm telling everyone that I'm running away, but here is what I am running away from:

1) Cancer / Family Dynamics

2) Vernon Not Making Any Money

3) Living Here

I'm really angry and disappointed over the fact that my father-in-law trusts medical doctors over his own son. And I am having a hard time getting over this. A very hard time. (And, don't worry, I'm not saying anything here that I haven't said to everybody in person. That was a really fun conversation.)

Vern doesn't care. Well, one day he REALLY cared, and I felt bad for him and angry with him, and so I started caring about it too. On his behalf. I wanted his father to believe him. To have faith in him. To believe IN him. But then Vern calmed down, gained perspective, and cooled off over the whole thing.

But I haven't.

(And I get confused by how Vern feels one way one day and a different way the next. Always changing from one emotion to the next.)

Because I need some time and space to process these things.

But I don't have my own space! I don't have my own house. I don't have my own furniture. I don't have my own anything.

What I do have, that is my own space, is this blog.

So I come here to process things.

But then I can't, because people won't let me, and I have to remove posts (really nice posts too, where I tried really hard to keep it about my perspective and nothing else. I didn't even call anybody a douche bag or anything).

Which brings me to point 2, because then I start resenting Vern for not making any money so that we can move out of here. I mean, how is Vern supposed to be a successful chiropractor / health professional if he can't even teach his own father about health? (Ironic, isn't it, that now here I am resenting the man I'm trying so fiercely to stick up for and support.) Vern has obviously had other things on his mind lately (trying to save his dad), so he hasn't really been focusing on the business. So, I get stressed, start wanting my own space, AND I start resenting Vern for not working harder to get us that.

And I don't want to do that.

Which is why I need to run away.

Because the car is my own space.

I need a road trip to clear my head and calm everything down up there. It's nobody's fault. Nothing needs to be "fixed" here. I'm totally fine with Vern not making any money and living here when I'm not stressed. I recognize that it is just me and that it is really not that big of a deal.

When I get stressed, I need to go internal. Vern keeps pushing me and pushing me, and I start to crumble. And I can't deal with that right now either.

So, it's not even running away so much as to get away from problems inasmuch as it is a way to have a space to sort them out. Because, more than anything, I am just mad at myself for the way that I'm handling things. I'm not happy with myself. I want to be a person who is more forgiving, more sympathetic, more loving. And I'm not that person yet.

Unfortunately, I don't really have anywhere to run away to right now. Montana and North Carolina are too far away, and the timing didn't work out with my friend who lives within 10 hours. Plus, it is actually kind of hard to run away, you know, what with having lives to attend to and all. Photos to work on, places the kids need to be, a birth coming up, an open house for Vern's office on Saturday. You know... life.

So, maybe I'll just take a drive to Iowa to see a gigantic ball of twine or something. I don't know.

Grown Up Fun Times

And now, on to something more uplifting...

Remember when I invented Grown Up Fun Times? Well, it is a hit! It has even gone so far as to develop its trendy nickname: GUFT. I encourage you to start a chapter in your area today. (Just pay me $100 for licensing fees.)

We went rollerskating in September. (Just look at how many people I got to go rollerskating with me! I'm the coolest girl ever!)

And here's a video:


And laser tag in October. (And look at how many people I got to play laser tag with me!) Unlimited laser tag, mini golf, and Krazy Karts for only $9.95!

But there have been some dark hours with GUFT. After the rousing success of rollerskating the first month, I had planned what I thought would be a fun excursion to ScreamTown for October. But it turned out that no one wanted to go to ScreamTown except for me. I had an Event set up on facebook, and my lonely face was the only one in the YES column. Vernon didn't even respond! The GUFT attendees are fickle, dear readers. Fickle, indeed. (And scaredy cats.)

So, adjustments were made. I put together an advisory panel. Scheduled laser tag for October. And the audience responded. GUFT is back on track!

(Let us never mention the ScreamTown debacle again. So lonely, my face was. So lonely).

I Want to Move

This is too much.

I wish my husband was making money.

Cancer

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