I have a couple of friends who are about to become fathers soon (you know who you are), and I was going to write something to them personally about advice for new fathers, but I decided to publish it here instead for ALL new fathers to see. Here it is...
Dear Father-To-Be,
There are a couple things you need to know about being a new father...
1) You're going to have to take care of your wife. She's going to be busy with the baby and will need someone to tend to her needs (food, water, maybe a foot rub). Don't be jealous of her relationship with the baby, because, yes, she is going to like Mama more in the beginning because Mama is the one with the breasts, but don't worry... it will all even itself out around Year Two or so. See, when babies are born, they come out about 9 months earlier in their stage of development than any other mammal (look up Ashley Montagu's research on this. He's really smart). The reason they do this? So their head is still small enough to fit through your wife's vagina. (If they waited another 9 months, their heads would be way too big to fit. Trust me on this.) So, yeah, babies really, really need their Mamas, especially in the beginning.
2) But don't let this mean that you don't take care of the baby at all. Your wife will also need help with this. Therefore, another important thing you need to learn is how to wear your baby in a wrap. Believe me, the baby, and your wife, are going to love you for this (and there really is nothing more sexy than a man in a sling). Don't rush into it or anything (baby and mom are usually pretty good tucked into bed together the first couple weeks)... but after that, get yourself one of those nice Moby wraps and learn how to use it. Please.
3) Speaking of having Mama and Baby tucked into bed together the first couple of weeks... make sure that she does this. Number one, it helps with bonding. Number two, it helps with getting Mama's organs back where they belong after the birth. And, Number three, it helps protect her pelvic floor. If you ever want to have sex with your wife again in the near future, you're going to want to make sure that she protects her pelvic floor. So, none of this walking around and letting her uterus drop down and put pressure on her pelvic floor. No, no, no. (This is one of the reasons she'll need your help with doing things around the house, by the way. So, be sure to volunteer to help so she doesn't feel like a pain for asking, because sometimes it's really hard to ask for help with something you're used to doing yourself). A good rule of thumb for incorporating more activity into each day is: Five Days In the Bed, Five Days On the Bed, and Five Days Around the Bed. If she tries to do too much too soon, just shout at her, "Protect your pelvic floor! Protect your pelvic floor!"
4) You need to be the one who checks in on your wife every single day to make sure that she is doing okay. Post-partum depression affects too many mothers, and it's not fun (especially if she gets to the point where she wants to throw your baby out the window, am I right?). So, YOU need to be the one to look her in the eye (EVERY SINGLE DAY) to make sure she is doing okay. Make sure there is some spark in her eyes. Make sure she is okay. This is up to you more than anybody.
5) Don't circumcise your baby. Sure, you have a circumcised penis. Big deal. You're not going to go around comparing penises with your kid when they're older (believe me, I have never compared vaginas with my daughter, not once), so it doesn't even matter. What DOES matter is that you won't be bringing pain upon this wonderful new little human that you had a part in creating. Can you imagine punching your baby in the face? No? I didn't so. So why the hell would you consider cutting off part of his penis? (I'm just saying.) Plus, circumcision WILL almost definitely interfere with breastfeeding and bonding. I have heard too many times where this was the case.
Well, I guess those are the main five. I'm sure there are many more, but you will learn them on the way, like we all have.
Best wishes,
Goofy Mama
Links Within
Pin It
22 comments:
We've been around this circumcising block before. For many people, Jewish and Christian alike, it's an important religious and cultural issue to have their boys circumcised. For you to include it in a list of "advice for Fathers" is a bit callous. Not to mention that you never include that as a legitimate factor that deserves respect. Please, at the very LEAST, recognize that this is controversial and reasonable people can disagree. One's view on it doesn't make one a good father or a bad father.
How would you like an article about "advice for Mothers" to include "Don't baptize your baby."? You're basically saying, "I don't care what significance it has to you, I consider it unnecessary, and thus include it in my list of advice."
Finally, as I said the last time this came up, I am a man who was circumcised. I'm glad I was. I believe that gives me some credibility on this issue. I have no psychological or physical problems, and my father is not a bad father. So if you are a woman who disagrees with circumcision, I respect that! But please spare me the hate-comments that talk about how awful it is. You haven't experienced it, you don't know first-hand what it's like to have one of these things (circumcised or otherwise), and you don't need to push your view on everyone else. There are more important choices in parenting.
PS -- Hey, I do enjoy your blog and understand your view, so I'm sorry if the tone of that comment was harsh. However, your view, which compares it to punching in the face, is also harsh. Somebody needs to speak up for the circumcised among us ...
I LOVE this.
It's pretty hard for most new Dads to understand how MUCH time and energy a new baby requires of mom. Give her a big fat pass good for everything for at LEAST the first six weeks.
As she struggles to nurse, bring a glass of water, tell her she's awesome, and call the LC yourself if she's really having trouble because no matter whose fault it is, if she's not successful and you didn't do EVERYTHING, the hormones will blame you. :)
Also, don't invite YOUR mom or dad to come to stay right after the baby comes. No really, don't.
She only wants her mom. MAYBE your mom, but really, don't bring your dad. Nobody wants to figure out breastfeeding in front of their father-in-law. Just say'n.
Also, about circ-ing: We didn't do it, but we both angsted over it for MONTHS before. When I realized it cost twice as much in the hospital as out, we decided to wait and then when we got out of the hospital and knew our baby a little better and saw videos of babies having this operation, we decided together it wasn't for us. Very personal choice, but we don't cut bits off our girls, so why would cut bits off our boys?
Good point Becky, and you are right, it is a personal choice. That's probably the best way to view it. However, boy circumcision and girl circumcision are apples and oranges.
Again, sorry for the harshness in my previous comment, must've been something I ate. But there's a lot of hostile anti-boy-circumcision floating around lately (some are trying to make it illegal in San Francisco!). The supposed negative effects are nonexistent in my experience, and I have never, ever heard a complaint from another circumcised man. I just find it weird that this has become a hobby horse for (mostly) women.
I'll shut up now, just remember there are two sides to this, it is not a right/wrong issue and certainly not something that will make you a good or bad father.
I don't see how comparing boy and girl circumcision is comparing apples to oranges. We call girl circumcision female genital mutilation for a reason, and boy circumcision is an unnecessary cosmetic procedure that mutilates the genitals of boys. Same thing.
You don't know how different your penis would be had it not been cut, or if your sexual function or feeling (or that of your partner(s)) would be different had it not. There are actually a lot of men who are not happy that they were circumcised, and some even opt to try to restore their foreskin.
I do understand that there are religious reasons for doing it, but that doesn't mean people can't rise above religious dogma and decide that something IS wrong. I think history has shown us time and time again that just because a holy text says something doesn't make that thing right. All kinds of evils are perpetrated by people following religious dogma.
My comment is harsh too, but if we can look at girls and say without a doubt that it is WRONG to cut their genitals without their consent, changing the way their body looks and functions, why would we not look at boys the same way? It doesn't make sense.
Ah, yes... the heated topic of circumcision once again. First of all, I don't think I was particularly mean with my advice not to circumcise. It's just how I feel. And I'm not saying that you're a bad parent if you choose to circumcise. One of my favorite parents in the world, Mayim Bialik, circumcised her sons, but she's still a good parent.
But the thing is that *most* parents aren't as educated or as religious as you, RJL, about circumcision and, quite frankly, they do it just because it was done to them and they're not aware of a different way.
*Most* parents (not you) have no religious reasons for doing it... but they do it anyway. That doesn't make sense to me. So maybe if somebody reads this post who had never thought about it before and if this post makes them think about it for a little bit, I think that is a good thing.
Female circumcision has more lasting and damaging effects, as documented by women themselves in many places. No one is arguing otherwise. You simply don't see the same effects from male circumcision, or the same number of men objecting to the practice. The VAST majority of men I know are circumcised, with no complaints.
You point to a few examples of men who try to restore their foreskin, I could point to as many if not more examples of uncircumcised men who wish they had been circumcised -- the smell, difficulty in cleaning, the turnoff to many women, etc. I know you won't acknowledge those factors, but believe me, as a man (which you are not), they are factors.
The anti-circumcision crowd can be just as dogmatic as a holy text. You claim I would feel different had I not been circumcised. I can't argue that I wouldn't know the difference. And uncircumcised men, obviously, wouldn't know what it's like to be circumcised. Many of them might like it. Who's to say? You can't prove otherwise, for more obvious reasons.
Sorry Allison, you probably didn't want to start this on your blog. I read because it's interesting -- the unschooling, the lack of washing, the extended breastfeeding, etc. I've learned a lot, I've been amused, and I try to keep an open mind, especially in areas where I have no experience in the matter. But as a happily circumcised Christian man, with a Masters in Religion, married to a Jewish woman, I can't keep quiet when people with no personal experience in the matter make a moral judgement without at least acknowledging the other side.
Apologies to all! This is why I try to stay out of politics -- lots of arguing with no chance of changing anyone's mind.
Nice backtrack Goofy Mama, but when you compare it to punching a baby in the face, you are making a moral (and inflammatory) statement.
Millions of people in the third worId don't circumcise their boys, and I don't think they are any more educated than "most" parents in the US.
Let me know when Vern tries to put his foreskin back on, I know it'll be worth it. Oops, look at the time, I'm late my therapist, talking through all the damage I incurred from circumcision. I also wasn't breastfed, so obviously I'm off my rocker. It's amazing that I can even function! This is getting silly. Wait, my cats are trying to tell me something. They are saying we humans are blowing this out of proportion -- they were neutered and love it! We could learn from them. Now they are licking their butts. Hmmmm ...
The comparison was made to equate pain with pain. I'm sorry, but I don't see much of a difference in that regard. Getting punched in the face = painful. Getting circumcised = even more painful (plus, it also interferes with bonding and breastfeeding). It was not meant to be a moral statement. Just a comparison of the equality of pain.
yes but punch in the face implies malicious intent to harm, no parent who chooses to circumcise does it for that reason. bad analogy, and disrespectful to those who make that choice.
Not about to jump into the whole circumcision debate here... whatever you decide there will always be someone advising you against it...
Reminds me of an Indian friend whose 4 month old daughter came home with pierced ears after The Mother-In-Law looked after her for only 2 hours.
Anyway, I digress. What I really wanted to comment on was the best advice you can give to anyone close to a mum-to-be:
"You need to be the one who checks in on your wife every single day to make sure that she is doing okay. Post-partum depression affects too many mothers, and it's not fun (especially if she gets to the point where she wants to throw your baby out the window, am I right?). So, YOU need to be the one to look her in the eye (EVERY SINGLE DAY) to make sure she is doing okay. Make sure there is some spark in her eyes. Make sure she is okay. This is up to you more than anybody."
My bubs was prem, so the first 3 weeks were spent pumping my boobs every 3 hours day and night and trying to spend as much time at the hospital (we were not provided a room as we were not patients, only Ila was). It was a nightmare - and I STILL haven't had a chance to just lie in bed, not even for one day!
Then they finally discharged her, and upon discharge told us that Ila had two holes in her heart "and hey, here's a monitor to make sure if her heart stops you'll know" (we won't even go into all the clinic appointments, tests, etc).
If only someone had checked up on me each day, looked me in the eye and seen how much I was not coping.
My husband buried himself in work , doing the things he had control over, I guess. Don't get me wrong, I don't blame him at all, he was going through just as much emotionally as I was. My Mum did the best she could. Admittedly, due to my state of mind, I pushed people away by lashing out a fair amount.
Counselling is good (and you can get it free in New Zealand in a lot of circumstances). But no matter what meds you're willing to take (I am not willing), no matter how much counselling, how many frozen dinners you get delivered, or how many people come to goo and gah over your gorgeous bubs... nothing compares to having the people closest to you check if you are ok, really ok. And it doesn't just apply to post-natal depression either.
It hurts to get punched in the face. It hurts to get circumcised. *I* think both things are NOT nice things to do to a child. I stand behind my comparison. *Most* people don't think about how circumcision hurts a child, and that statement will get them to think.
How would you know if it hurts? You've never experienced it. I thought it merely tickled.
TRUCE.
SWITCH TOPICS -- HOW IS VERN'S OFFICE DOING?
"personal choice"... the only PERSON who should have a personal choice about whether or not their foreskin should be removed is the person who owns the foreskin. It's a personal choice of the individual, NOT the parent. As a parent, you don't know if your child will WANT their foreskin removed or not. You don't know if your child will WANT to practice the same religion as you. Why put your child through a painful, irreversable, potentially damaging and dangerous elective procedure for something YOU want, not that you know your child will want?
Because circumcision is an elective, consmetic surgery, not a medically necessary one, the choice to remove a part of the body needs to be left up to the owner of that body. Period.
Also, Allison, circumcision aside, this is a great post! Posted to Twitter.
As far as a circumcised man claiming that it's great to be cut, I would say that the person in the family with intact genitals (usually the woman) has more to say about how great normal genitals feel. Living a lifetime without a foreskin just makes you used to it.
My husband is very unhappy that his parents decided to cut him as a baby, especially since he's learned how awesome foreskin is.
The only reason people in the U.S. are all rah-rah about male genital cutting is because it's prevalent, just like female genital cutting in other cultures is promoted for all the same B.S. reasons (cleanliness, appearance, 'matching' mom, not freaking out future sexual partners, blah blah blah). It's illegal to cut baby girls, but baby boys are cut with impunity in the U.S. What a sick double standard.
We don't own our children. We are entrusted with them. Be gentle with them, protect them, and leave them to make decisions about body modification when they're old enough to make an informed choice for themselves.
The main point from the first comment was this: "Please, at the very LEAST, recognize that this is controversial and reasonable people can disagree. One's view on it doesn't make one a good father or a bad father."
I give LOADS of credit to Goofy Mama and Becky for at least attempting to show some gracefulness and understanding, even when I know they disagree with me. It doesn't change my mind, but at least it helps me think, "Hey, there are some good reasons not to circumcise, I can understand that choice."
Rereading the whole thread, I've reached 2 conclusions: 1- It's mostly my fault for stirring the hornet's nest (although it's also a little Goofy Mama's fault because she started it and knew it was controversial from the last time she wrote about it). 2- There are valid points on both sides, but I might be the only one (in this forum, but not in the world) who thinks there are two sides. Fair enough.
I'd like to hear about something else now because you are an interesting crew of moms. How about this: Imagine your children are 20 years older than they are now. What do you hope they have experienced or accomplished (school/etc)? What do you hope they are doing (work/life)? I really am interested.
I'll take that one, anonymous. :) I hope my parenting didn't wreck my kids. In twenty years I hope they are married to the love of their life, starting families of their own. I hope they are doing work they enjoy, giving back to the community in which they live, and perpetuating the values I tried my hardest to instill. I hope they love God and have a working relationship with Him. I hope they do their best to share the joys of their lives with others by example, and I hope they live near enough I can see them often. But mostly, I just hope my parenting doesn't screw up my kids.
I would be VERY INTERESTED to see Goofy Mama read and review the book "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" by Amy Chua.
My son seems to love his foreskin. I am glad he got to keep it.
Babies die of circumcision. That is a fact. It is taking a normal functional (it has a function that is very important) healthy part of a newborn baby, and clamping, crushing and slicing it off.
It is wrong. It should be illegal.
This was super awesome, hilarious, and so true.
Post a Comment