I was thinking some more today about the birth of Peace (she is five months old today). I really wish I would have had Vernon more involved in the birth. I want to be the type of birther who likes to be touched, caressed, talked to, and in connection with her husband during labor. But, since I knew that I wasn't, I set myself up to be alone and unwatched, like a mother cat hiding behind the couch to have her kittens.
That's what I wanted... I didn't want to have anyone (my husband, as well as any other birth attendant, which is why I chose to do it unassisted) there looking at me / talking to me / touching me. That is just the type of birther that I am.
So, during my labor with Peace, Vernon remained in the other room while I labored in our bedroom. I had him come check on me periodically (once to watch me poop to make sure it wasn't the baby, and once to watch me throw up), but that was about it. I liked my privacy. But looking back on it now, I would really like to remember the birth more as something that we did together (instead of being separated by, you know, a hallway). I want there to be memories of us holding each other during the labor, supporting one another... loving one another. I'm sad that we don't have that.
But it was a good birth, and there are plenty of good memories to be had. I loved that it was just us (and our other two kids) there for it. I loved that Vernon got to catch Peace when she was born (the first of our kids that he was in a good position to do so). I loved all the candles, the music, the space, the tub.
I don't know if it is weird or not that I am still processing the birth after all these months. I've spent a lot of time processing the birth... and it was a wonderful, completely natural, non-traumatic birth.
It makes me wonder how woman are able to process births that are any less than that.
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I processed Anna's birth (now 13 months) for a long time. I think the processing is finally over now. Having a beautiful and peaceful birth was hard in that way--there was so much to think about and play over in my head, so much to miss and long for. It was a painful loss of something wonderful that I may never have again. I hope you can be content in knowing you had the kind of birth YOU wanted, even if it were different from the kind of birth most people want. It is okay that you wanted to be alone :) Thanks for sharing all of this. It is comforting to me!
Thank you for posting this. When I was pregnant and planning our homebirth, in my mind it was just me and my husband and low lights, maybe some music playing (and for goodness sakes no smelly candles because I'm way overly sensitive to artificial scents). Everyone and their mother wanted to be at our birth and made me feel guilty for not wanting them there. My mother-in-law wanted me to call her as soon as I went into labor so she could come out RIGHT AWAY and be here the WHOLE TIME and one of my sisters wanted to like, WATCH. THe thing is, I know I would want to moan and walk and stretch and I know I'd be embarrassed to do that with family watching me.
Also, when I imagined my baby being born, I imagined me and my husband laying in our bed (after getting out of the water and whatever) and just holding our baby and loving him. I did not imagine my MIL cooing and goo-goo-gah-gahing and being all hopped up on adrenaline.
So maybe, woohoo lucky for me that I ended up with preeclampsia and a Cesarean and didn't even get to be the first (or second, or third, or fourth) person to hold my child. The hardest part for me, though, was the loss of those precious moments right after he was born, the loss of cuddling and loving him right away, the loss of seeing his sweet face as soon as he was born (and not after he'd been wiped down, checked out by a stranger and wrapped in blankets). Grrr... yup, I'm still mad! (And for reference, Gray is right at 1 week younger than Peace).
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