So we talked last night.
(First, I feel the need to remind you all that we really are the most awesome couple in the whole wide world. If you don't believe me, watch this video to remind yourselves. We're awesome.)
That being said, sure we have our issues (like this whole drinking thing), but we're also really good at talking things out (even if it takes us until 5:00 in the morning and takes me two days to do so). We've talked about this "drinking" issue many, many times already, and we actually seemed to come to some sort resolution on the subject... but that was all lost after I saw him drinking for the first time the other night. (BTW: I just want to point out that these are issues relating solely to me and Vernon and how I react to HIM drinking. I don't give a flying frick about if and how other people choose to drink. Which is why drinking isn't even the sole issue here... it's the other issues, those of which I am trying to get to the bottom of.)
I told him that I had a visceral reaction to seeing him drinking... something that made me want to throw up and cry all at the same time.
"It is kind of like when I see Ezra wear that Cars shirt," I said.
"Really? My drinking was the same as seeing Ezra in that shirt?" he said.
"Yes, it was," I said. "I really hate that shirt."
We tried to come up with what some of the core issues were behind my reaction to him drinking (because that is really what it is all about, right?). One of the things was, like I mentioned before, the feelings of being left out, and feeling like I don't know him. We brainstormed ways to stay connected. Ways that included more than just playing Battleship on Friday night Date Nights.
Acknowledging the fact that it was hard to get out together with having a baby (I love you, Peace!), but that we might need to anyway. Trying to find the balance.
Another core issue was control... me wanting him to think the way that I think, do the things that I want him to do.
Nothing was ever officially resolved. We still have work to do. *I* still have work to do. I need to have a shift in my thinking for everything to be okay. I wish that could happen easily. I don't know how to make that shift happen, and that is frustrating to me.
I try to understand the dichotomy of drinking in this society, and I just don't get it. (I need to realize that I don't need to understand it.)
I have come to understand social drinking. I'm okay with that. A drink here or there for the sake of not being left out. I get that. It's the drinking to get drunk that I don't understand.
Maybe I just need to get wasted to figure out what it's all about.
