Supernatural (and Some Other Weird Stuff)

I forgot to mention that I also watched SUPERNATURAL.

I was revisiting my old blog on myspace.com. It is hilarious. Much more funny than this blog.

Here is an entry from December 17, 2006 titled Sex Signs:

I have a memory I'd like to share. 

This happened years ago when my daughter was little and I was teaching her some baby signs (sign language for babies). Well, my husband comes in and asks what the sign is for sex. I roll my eyes at him and he leaves the room. Later, he comes back, gets down on all fours and starts spanking himself on the butt. And he says, "I think this should be the sign for sex."

It's memories like these that I will treasure forever.

Here's another entry, this one from December 7, 2006 titled Cold Love:

My husband and I were theorizing about a masturbating Salvation Army bell ringer, when my husband asks, "I wonder what is the coldest temperature people ever had sex at. I mean, at what point would it take for people to get so uncomfortable that they couldn't physically do it."
And then he goes on to say, "It's pretty cold in here right now."

END SCENE

Is anybody else getting a big kick out of these old entries, or is it just me? This 2006 Allison is really funny. I think I'd like to meet her someday.

December 4, 2006, My Pap Smear:

I say the dumbest things sometimes.

Let me set the scene for you. I am at a clinic getting my yearly pap smear done. There is nothing that I dread more than having a pap smear done. I would rather have four midget donkeys ram their heads into my stomach all day long than get my yearly pap smear.

Anyway, so that's where I am. 

The procedure isn't going half bad and it isn't half as uncomfortable as it usually is. So this is what I say to the doctor after she is done, "You're really good at that. That's the best one I've ever had."

I mean, honestly... who says stuff like that? I bet that no other human being on earth has ever uttered those words after getting a pap smear. This is why I shouldn't be allowed to leave the house.

Okay, one more, than you can all go back to whatever it is you were doing.

December 3, 2006, More on Blow Jobs:

My husband says to me, after reading my blog, "I never knew you were so pro-blow job." He must be thinking his birthday is coming early this year or something. No, I am not so pro-blow job, I was just using the term to make a strong point on circumcision.

But, speaking of blow jobs, that is actually the second time that term has come up with my family. The first was over Thanksgiving.

See... my mom has this pre-printed notepad labeled TO DO LIST. Well, being the funny person that I am, I thought I would write a mock TO DO LIST for my mother. This is what I wrote on the list.

- Make sweet, sweet love to Arsenio Hall.
- Pay bills.
- Write thank you notes.
- Practice blow jobs on banana.
- Read Barrack Obama book.
- Take up orienteering.

My husband was the first to read the list. He thought it was funny, so he put it up on the fridge for all to see. So then my mom saw it. And she said, "Oh, you kids." But the thing is, instead of taking it down, she left it up there. Apparently she must have found it somewhat amusing also.

Alright. I'm done. Here's the link to my old blog again if you want to peruse some more of my funny.