Your Questions Answered, Part 7

Here is my last question to answer from my Your Questions Answered segment that I started answering about a month ago.

Since you follow the no-schooling theory, what are the biggest (or most specific) rules or discipline techniques you have for your children?


I think I've taken a long time to answer this question because I was waiting for some profound answer to come to me that would accurately and affectionately express how I feel about this subject. I feel there is one out there, but I haven't quite found it yet, so I'm just going to fumble through this.

I don't do punishments. I don't do time outs. I don't do spankings. I don't do anything (intentionally) that would withhold my love from my child. I don't even do positive reinforcement for this same reason (read Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn for more information about this... it's a big idea and requires more space than I want to give it here right now). I believe that children are inherently good and that they should be treated as such.

So... what do I do?

I don't really know. (See, this is me fumbling through this.)

I do have rules. Food gets eaten at the table. Pick up your toys before you do something else. 

If they don't follow the rule (like, say, they're eating in the living room), I will remind them to eat at the table. If they don't listen to me, I will take their food away from them at put it on the table because Food gets eaten at the table.

What else do I do? I read books like Unconditional Parenting, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, and Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves. Reading things like that always helps me keep things in perspective and to know what and what not to expect out of children.

But I'm writing all this like I know what I'm talking about. I don't. I make mistakes. I get mad at my kids. I yell at them when I shouldn't, over little things. But none of that is about them, really. It's about me. Which is why I read so many of those positive-thinking, life-improvement type books... because I'm trying to make myself better so that I can be a better mother to them.

That's why I like the book Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves so much (check out this link for a site that sums the book up for you, and which I'm going to paraphrase from in a moment). Basically, it helps me figure out what I need to do in order to be a better parent to my kids. Here is the S.A.L.V.E. formula that the author, Naomi Aldort, writes about:

S - Separating Yourself or Self-Inquiry / Self-Talk - This means, look at your thought, and think about whether it's helping you to be the parent you want to be or if it's counter-productive. For example, often when parents say, "My child should listen to me," they literally mean, "My child should obey me." Do you really want your child to be obedient? Do you want your child to learn to take cues from the outside, or would you like him to be self-reliant and powerful?
A - Attention - After you clear yourself from your chatter and your self-talk, you put your attention on the child; actually see the child rather than your idea of how she should be.
L - Listen - Listen with your open heart and you will learn more than you can imagine. Behind the difficult behavior there is always the throbbing heart of a child doing the best he can.
V - Validate - Once you listen, you have a good chance of knowing what's going on for the child and you can reassure him of your understanding and let him know that what he feels is right. "Oh, I see why you are crying; you wanted the tower to stay up and it fell." It's important to not dramatize and not to add your own emotions.
E - Empower - This is the general attitude of not thinking that you have to fix anything. When we don't fix, when we stay a peaceful person in the face of whatever happens, the child is learning: "I can handle it. I see that my father isn't going nuts about this, everybody is behaving as if they can handle this," and that's the power. Children, if you don't always fix it for them, often find their own solutions or make peace with reality, and they become powerful from facing life in this way.

Life with kids would be so much easier if we all didn't take ourselves so seriously and just enjoyed being with our children. If we enjoyed them for the people that they are instead of trying to get them to be compliant with our ideals.

I friend of mine posted this quote on her facebook wall the other week:

"Remember that you have a choice in every single interaction with your child. Choose kindness." 

Sometimes I forget this, but I'm trying to remember. 

Does that answer the question?