I Got My Period Back

I got my period back the other day. (And, no, it doesn't bother me that I'm writing about this on here because I have already crossed THAT LINE many, many times already, dear readers. See previous posts from the inception of this blog until present.)

Getting my period back is my body's way of telling me that it is ready to have a baby again (if I want that, which I don't... I'm just saying). This is the soonest that I have gotten my cycle back after birth, and I was not expecting it. With Ocean, it lasted until 14 months. With Ezra, it was 22 months.

It is my body's way of telling me that Peace is nursing less and not needing me *as much*. It is a sign that her babyhood is ending.

Peace is almost a year old. Pretty soon, Peace will be walking. She is getting close. And I suppose I will eventually have to put shoes on her feet for the first time in her life, and that makes me sad too. So many changes. She is growing up, and I'm kind of sad about this because I feel like I've missed out on her babyhood. It all went by so fast, and I was in such a state of distraction and disarray most of the time that I didn't even notice or appreciate the majority of it.

I feel like I've screwed up on this motherhood thing a bit for the better part of Peace's life. This has been a hard year (for whatever reasons... the postpartum stuff, the relational stuff, whatever), and I have done more yelling and been more stressed out at my kids than I care to admit to.

Peace isn't even *the hard one* anymore. It's the other two... the yelling at each other, the fighting with each other. I recognize that they are a reflection of me (especially Ocean, the way she talks and the words she uses sound like they could be coming out of my mouth, and it is disturbing to be faced with that), but I don't know how to change myself so that they will reflect a better version of who I am. If I could just do that, everything would be better. Instead, it is a vicious cycle and continues as it is.

I feel like I could be doing better. I feel like I should be doing better. I feel like Peace deserves that.

I'm sorry. This is probably just the menstrual blood talking. I'll go now.