Pen-ish-ands

There's this improv game called Blind Line. It's where people right down silly lines, and the people doing the improv have to work those lines into the skit. Lines like:

Where's the beef?
It smells in here.
I feel like chicken tonight.

Or, if you're me, you write something like:

My name is Edward Penishands.

So, Vern and I were playing this game with my grandma several, several years ago (back when she was alive, of course, because you can't play this game with a dead person, believe me, we've tried) and she had the line that read: My name is Edward Penishands.

But, instead of pronouncing it: Edward Penis-Hands, as she should have done, she said:

Edward Pen-ish-ands.

Oh, I laugh about this whenever I think of it. We have this on video and were re-watching it the other day. It's so funny.

She also got a clue (which I wrote, thank you very much) that said:

I have my x-ray goggles on and I can see your penis.

But instead of saying that, she said:

I have my x-ray goggles and and I can see your... ALLISON!

Tissue?

This was a conversation between Ezra and me the other day:

Me: Do you want a tissue?

Ezra: No. I have one.

Me: That's your hand.

Ezra: I know. It works.

Me: Fair enough.

This picture has nothing to do with the story, other than that it features the two of us.

The Secret to Easier Mothering

Let me tell you the secret to having an easy time mothering, dear readers. Here is what you need to do:

1) Have a baby.
2) Have another baby 12 years later.

That's all there is to it. You can have a couple of babies in between, of course (as I have done), but those two steps are the key elements. The reason for this is because the baby in Step 1 can help take care of the the baby in Step 2.

I bet you all didn't realize how easy that was. Just two steps.

Seriously, unless you have experienced this for yourself, you have no idea.

Of course, you don't want to take advantage of Step 1 Baby. And you don't, because it turns out that Step 1 Baby enjoys and wants to be of help to Step 2 Baby. It doesn't take much time either. Just 5-10 minutes of help can make a difference between sanity and insanity in the life of a mother.

Mothering could get pretty hard some times. If you've been a reader of this blog in the past, you saw times when I wasn't enjoying it very much. But, I'm telling you now, I have found the secret. This two step system is the way to go. One. Two. There. You're done. You're welcome.

Not only does this system help with times at home, but it also helps you get out of the house more. You can go on dates again! You grew your own babysitter!

This is also working with the second born child as well. On nights when the oldest is not available, we can now leave Step 2 Baby with one of the other kids we had! It's amazing. And he likes doing it too. It makes him feel responsible and it brings out the nurturing side of him, which is sweet. (He also likes the fact that I let him watch a movie when we go out, so he is more than happy to see us go.)

So, enjoy this Amazing Two Part System that I have laid out for you, my dear readers. It makes life easy. It makes mothering easy. It is the secret, the Holy Grail, to motherhood. I have found it and I cannot keep it to myself anymore.

Implement as you see fit. Individual results may vary.

Belly Button Lint

Here's an informal poll: Does your husband's belly button have lint it it? Go check. Let me know.

Vern's belly button has lint in it 95% of the time. I don't know how it does this. Why is it so good at collecting lint? I don't get it.

I love picking lint out of his belly button.

It's like opening up a present on Christmas Day when I lift up his shirt to see if there is lint collected in his belly button. I am usually never disappointed because the lint is almost always there. (Of course, this is assuming I hadn't just checked it and picked it an hour ago.)

Back when I was doing art shows with my photography, I used to sell this photograph:

One person bought a copy of it once.

A Birthday + A Haircut

My lovely daughter, Ocean, turned 14 over the weekend. She is the sweetest and kindest teenager I know. She also carries herself with a confidence and joy that I didn't have at 14 (nor do I have now). And, yes, she's tall. I measured her yesterday and she is 5'11" tall.

Here's a video of how she spent her birthday. In the video, you'll also notice our littlest one getting his haircut. I've never cut hair on a kid this young before, and it was crazy hard to do! I just did it with no rhyme or reason because that was the only way to get it done. I even let the other kids cut some, because I figured it didn't matter. I'm surprised it turned out as "good" as it did. It had to be done though. It was starting to look so dumb.




I usually call Solomon "Baby Bear" as a nickname, but now I've taken to calling him "Haircut". Here's a picture of Haircut: